Our first instinct is invariably disbelief, then perhaps, variably anger, denial, regret, remorse. Guilt.
Kubler Ross described the bereavement reaction at length. I personally think it's all rubbish, with a bit of truth mixed in. It all depends on our relationship with the person, and on how we interacted with them, if at all.
******************************
I remember my best friend from primary school, Junlong.
He had a large head and very short hair, and he wore spectacles. He had a kindly face. I think we were classmates from primary two to three. I changed class each year, so that must mean he promoted up with me.
The last words I spoke to him were, if memory serves me correctly, "don't worry, I'll never get in" (wrt some stupid IQ test thingie that resulted in me being snatched out of my school and unceremoniously implanted into another)
I met him again three years later, our mothers were both walking us, somewhere near farrer road. We waved at each other and smiled.
I read his obituary in the papers a few days later. And then I read the front page article about how he got mowed down by a bus, crossing out from behind a waiting taxi into traffic.
I was very young, and at the time not quite in touch with anything vaguely resembling emotions. And yet I knew I had to attend his funeral; it was only proper.
The mother refused to let me go; I was too young and had to be protected from these kinds of things.
And that was the end of that.
In her mind, anyway.
Guilt.
*******************************************
My neighbours daughter died when she was in her teens; she was a national gymnast, and really quite pretty.
I didn't know her very well, save what I read in the newspapers about her once in a blue moon, and from our brief interactions in her mums garden when the mothers would get together to enthuse about roses, and leave the two teenagers planted neglected in the flowerbeds.
We used to shyly roll our eyes in exasperation at each other, at our uncool mothers.
She was struck down by leukaemia - or rather, by overwhelming sepsis post bone marrow transplant. I have vague recollections of the organism in question being Epstein Barr.
The word amongst the doctors was that she was nearly at her window period, beyond which her immune system would have been expected to protect her against infection again.
These days, I'm a little older and know that the window period is arbitrary; it was just one of those things; bad luck, bad timing, and perhaps a stolen kiss.
Depression
**********************************************
From : The Electronic New Paper
'HEARTLAND HOTTIE' DIES IN SLEEP FROM BLEEDING IN BRAIN
No symptoms for 1 month after she hits head
By Elysa Chen
October 19, 2008
THAT self-assured smile, that slight tilt of the head captivated The New Paper's photographer Gavin Foo so much he snapped her picture.
And when it appeared in the 'Heartland Hottie' series in The New Paper on Sunday in March last year, it was, for Miss Sai Fengmin, one of the happiest moments in her 26 years of life.
Now, that smile, frozen in a photograph, is all that's left for her mother.
Holding up the picture, a teary Mrs Sai asked: 'Isn't my daughter pretty? She was so proud and happy that she was spotted for your Heartland Hotties section.'
Miss Sai died in her sleep on Thursday.
It was a shocking end to an inexplicable turn of events that began a month earlier, when she knocked her head against a glass door.
The marketing executive was visiting a friend at her new home when she knocked into a glass panel between the kitchen and the living room.
She didn't know then, but that seemingly innocuous bump may have resulted in an undetected brain injury that led to her death a month later.
There were few tell-tale signs that it was anything serious. No nausea or giddiness - common symptoms of a concussion - within the first two weeks.
But on Wednesday, four weeks after the accident, Miss Sai had a headache and fainted at work.
She was then admitted to Alexandra Hospital, where she died in her sleep early the next morning.
An autopsy showed she had died of an acute brain haemorrhage.
Describing her daughter as the 'most special' of her five children, Mrs Sai said: 'When my colleagues at work see the picture of my children at my desk, they would keep talking about how pretty and special my Min Min was.'
Mrs Sai declined to give her full name or her occupation.
The first sign that all was not well came at 10am on Wednesday morning when Miss Sai fainted at work.
Mrs Sai, who got a call from her daughter's colleagues, rushed to the office.
'My daughter kept saying she felt very giddy and wanted to sleep. She also kept vomiting something chocolate-coloured,' she said.
Mrs Sai called for an ambulance and rushed her daughter to Alexandra Hospital within 20 minutes.
Complained of pain
At the accident and emergency ward, Miss Sai kept thrashing around on the bed and complained of pain.
Mrs Sai said: 'She was still strong but she just didn't seem to be able to open her eyes.'
She had been told she had a thyroid problem by a GP a week earlier.
At the hospital, Miss Sai was kept under observation. But her symptoms had nothing to do with the thyroid problem, said Mrs Sai.
And no one told the doctors about the knock on the head.
She said: 'We were so focused on the thyroid problem that we forgot that it could have been because she had hit her head one month ago.'
Miss Sai had gone to a polyclinic the day after she hit her head. She was told to monitor her condition for two weeks and was given medical leave for one day.
Mrs Sai said the doctor told her that if she did not experience nausea or giddiness after two weeks, she should be fine.
She was due back at the polyclinic for her follow-up two weeks after the knock, but decided see a private doctor instead because she did not want to wait in the long queue.
It was then that the general practitioner found out that she had a thyroid problem.
Mrs Sai said: 'If they had not done an autopsy, I would still be telling everyone that she died of a thyroid problem.
'I can't believe that she was still joking about how the glass didn't break after she knocked into it.'
Mrs Sai had stayed with her daughter until 11pm on Wednesday.
At 3am on Thursday, the hospital called Miss Sai's family, informing them that she was experiencing breathing difficulties. Her family rushed to the hospital, but it was too late.
Her father, whose eyes were red from crying, said: 'We didn't even get to say goodbye to her.'
He was too distraught to continue.
According to a friend, she was his favourite daughter. He later said in Mandarin: 'She was a filial daughter, but she was often too shy to express it. She hid her love for us inside.'
Added Mrs Sai: 'She contributed to the household expenses and, as the oldest child, she voluntarily moved out of our four-room flat so that her brother and three sisters could have more space.
'She was so independent. She often travelled overseas on her own.'
Miss Sai, who rented an apartment with friends at Normanton Park in Alexandra, would visit her family at their Telok Blangah flat on weekends.
Mrs Sai said her daughter, an Arts graduate from the National University of Singapore, was a bright student who never needed tuition.
She had earlier attended Anglo-Chinese Junior College and Raffles Girls' School.
Describing her daughter as someone who treasured friendships, Mrs Sai said: 'I hope to hear from her friends. I want to hear about how she brought happiness to them and how she was always there for them.'
Holding up a souvenir showing the word 'bye' framed by a photocopy of Miss Sai's hand that she had made for colleagues as a farewell gesture when she left her former job, her paternal aunt, who wanted to be known only as Mrs Teo, said:
'She was such a creative girl, with such a bright future. We are going to miss her.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SUDDEN DEATH
LATE SEPT
Miss Sai knocks head against glass panel at friend's house. The next day, she sees a doctor and gets medical leave for a day.
6 OCT
She is diagnosed with thyroid problem at GP clinic.
15 OCT
10am: She has headache and faints at work. Reaches hospital at noon.
15 OCT
4pm: She is admitted to a B2 ward, then moved to B1 ward at 11pm after her mother asks for upgrade.
16 OCT
3am: Hospital calls family. They arrive at 3.30am, but Miss Sai is already dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SYMPTOMS
1 A sudden, severe headache worse than anything you have ever had in your life. That's a sign that a knock on the head may be more serious than you think, said neurosurgeon Alvin Hong.
2 Loss of consciousness.
3 Weakness or persistent numbness afterwards, or drowsiness.
4 Neck stiffness, which may be due to an aneurysm - a fluid-filled bulge in the wall of an artery - rupturing.
5 Persistent giddiness and vomiting, especially if accompanied by a very severe headache
**************************************************
I never knew Miss Sai Fengmin, but she was a friend of a friend.
Sometimes I really hate the way the media sensationalizes everything with what little knowledge that they have - while revealing the truth, quite by accident.
Sudden, severe (? "thunderclap" ?? )headache - in extremis.
Loss of consciousness.
Giddiness, lethargy.
Nausea and vomiting.
Photophobia.
I really don't think that the family should have been made to feel guilty about omitting to mention the minor head trauma a month ago.
I don't have all the facts here.
But ask any medical student to put the signs together, as written in the newspaper.
Any student.
It's pass-fail viva stuff. And then ask them what must be done next.
And then all sorts of questions begin to spring up, which I shan't alude to. I know what happens to people like me, who even begin to write what I've written.
Troubled
More Troubled
*******
No comments:
Post a Comment