Office

This is me, eyes gumming up and failing on two hours sleep last night, still in the office working my butt off to save my ex-boss.

This is me not really understanding how or believing that this is where we wound up. Who would have imagined you would wind up on my "unfriends" list on msn one day, or that we wouldn't be able to speak anymore? I seem to remember things were good between us...

Do you remember us bending each other's thumbs backwards unnaturally as we walked and laughing that we were both freaks; how we used to mock shove each other off the kerb into oncoming traffic as we came up on that row of shophouses with the aquarium shops and the GP practices. Do you remember the stench of the canal near your old place as we walked hand in hand out to zi cha dinner, as we often did, waiting to cross the road at that traffic light near the flower shop thingie and not-nice prata place, climbing the narrow, smelly stairwell up to your place while I pushed you up the staircase or you poked me from behind; kneeling on your bed looking out the window with me at the rain, and the neighbours drawing in their laundry, and the people getting caught in the downpour. Looking at the newly-cleaned landscaped fishtank with the weird fish eating the fresh white sand and spitting it out, now that all the armies of snails were gone?
Do you remember how we used to lie next to each other and look into each others eyes, and touch each others faces once in a while?

I remember you dying in my arms as we fell asleep, how your arms and legs used to twitch as I struggled to stay awake longer than you, so I wouldnt wake you when I snored. I remember killing a cockroach for you in, and then outside your bedroom while you were panicking. I remember taking you to your dentist, and gynae, several times. I remember feeling grateful that we had us, while the darkness of the crazy, faithless world unfolded around us.

This is me, confused by the lies and uncertain what to believe, whether to believe the words you spoke or the words you wrote, uncertain how I feel about anything, and uncertain what I even want to believe, just feeling numbed and kinda anhedonic, not knowing why I should be bothering, but wishing you a happy birthday anyway.

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She : ...Maybe each time you feel rage or sadness, pray for her... please, do not let anger and bitterness get the better of you

And so I shall pray for you. And try to let all this anger, bitterness, and sadness go.