Freewheeling

So this is me after an afternoon nap, coming back from evening mass.

I haven't gone to weekday mass in quite a while now; I'd forgotten how the sun streams into the church halfway through the service, and somehow makes everything more poignant.

It's been quite hellish, this last month. An unforgettable montage of moments somehow moving in slow motion, sleep deprivation, miserably sleeping in the lab, eating horrible hospital food, and emotional devastation. Sara calls it my final transformation into becoming a woman.

But now the slew of calls is done and gone, the audit is completed. I've had an afternoon nap, and a quiet lunch knocking back Bacardi cokes at Harrys, Holland Village.

Now the engine is switched off and the train is freewheeling.
Free-falling.

It's funny how whenever I face my darkest moments, He chooses to have me face them alone; somehow when I am at my worst the world switches off their mobile phones... but I think perhaps it is His lesson, to remind me to turn to Him.

And so I did, and I'm glad for it.

There will be still be moments when I feel tormented, and moments when I feel overwhelmed at my doubts about... my last year. Horrible moments when I still miss her, and know she will never really miss me in return. I know all these things to be true.

That's all right.

Now is the time for Church, Studying, Running, and swinging my saber about like a wild man.

:)

*****
Strange how I have gone from wishing one person happy birthday in secret, to wishing someone else happy birthday in secret. Secret transferrence.

It makes me happy though, that I get to say happy birthday to Her next month, again.

*****
I can't help but feel I failed you.
I wish I could have overcome my own self-centeredness, and put aside my wounded pride and torment for your sake; I wish I could have been more like Him.