No such thing as an amicable breakup

The only way two people can part amicably and still stay friends is if both people have stopped feeling for each other.

I was looking forwards so very much to a nap, and watching Wall-E with her today. So, so, so very much. I'm so very tired. Just so very tired.

*****
Just in case you read my blog, and just in case you threw away my letter without reading it; just in case, if you did, you feel one day like knowing what was in it.

It was this :

Dearest T,

I'm sorry that I have to do this, I just don't know what else to do.

Whichever one of us moves on first will hurt the other, if we really still love each other. That's just the way it goes. I don't want to be hurt by you, and I don't want to hurt you.

I'm going to miss you, and your family so very, very much.

With all my love,
' Boy.

PS : I'm going to miss telling you all about the interesting and funny things that happen in my day; i miss it already.

*****
My last memory of us wasn't of us leaning against each other watching a movie that made us both laugh; it wasn't of us being warm and comfortable and happy one last time before I caught her by the shoulder with my hand, smiled, and shook it hard in that friendly way we use to kid with each other about, once, as we said to each other "see ya, thanks for all the memories". I wanted so very desperately for... something truly amicable, but I guess she was right : that would have been selfish of me, to dictate the terms of our passing.

So instead my last memory of us was of her sitting by my side in the car, looking beautiful and immaculate as always to my biased eye, glancing away and never meeting my eye, her face an impassive mask, her mind intentionally closed to mine while I struggled to say that I had nothing left to say; each last second passing inexorably by, counting down to our closure.

I, tired, fatigued, dishevelled after 48 hours on shift asked her what she wanted.

She : "I don't want to be friends anymore".

I said "Wait", and handed her the letter, my shortest ever to her, to date.

And then she stepped out of our... no, my car, bumped into a client and went to work, and I drove away.

So thank you, T, for setting us free.

*****
Thank you for being my friend, my lover and my confidant during the time we were together. I'm sorry I hurt you with too much truth, and I'm sorry you hurt me with too little.

Thank you for the times you made me laugh, and for the times I made you laugh. I still can't help but smile when I remember you singing uninhibitedly and slightly tonelessly in the car, waving your hands around like a lunatic.

I'll never forget us, and all the wonderful memories that we made together.

Thank you.

Goodbye, Bonviva girl. I really, really hope you find your way, and I wish you only bluebirds.

This won't mean much to you, I know, but God bless you, and your family. You will be in my prayers.