At the Root of Faith

What is faith? And why do we trust.

Do you trust someone because you love him or her?

Do you trust him to tell you the truth, or not to betray you, because he knows you trust him? Or because you know him so well that you think he is incapable of betrayal...

Does someone deserve your faith simply because of the nature of exclusivity of your relationship - be it a serious relationship or marriage... or friendship.

And when does faith become blind?

I've been struggling to distill things down in my mind... this last week.

I think trust is earned and maintained based on initial impressions, and how well you continue to know a person.
If you meet someone and she seems like a good person, you'll obviously trust her.
If you see someone as a stalwart, honourable person you will trust him or her.

Conversely, trust can be eroded by aberrent behaviour. An odd reply. A subtle shiftiness. An abrupt change in normal habits - all may work to erode trust.

Faith is a measure of how much trust you put in a person, to do the right thing. Faith is only blind when one persists in trusting someone, in the presence of signs revealing a lack of truth.

*****
The memories might have become clouded / distorted by time and, I suspect, early-onset dementia.... but run something along these lines

Once upon a time there was a girl, who was telling a guy how much she had been looking forwards to meeting him, once upon a lifetime ago:

"...and I was telling all my friends how great it'd be to see him again, he's been my buddy since like forever... and they all thought (etcetc), and J******* thought he's probably (etcetcetc) "

there were other bits in there somewhere; about faithful friends who would be friends forever, and as we spoke, something about constants, and being the most stable and dependable... and dreaming of going blading...

*****
Memories arising from the dust, realisations reforming from the ashes. My truths, now and always, suppressed in memory by my pathetic pride, but spoken now :

You were my one constant
You were my one voice of reason, in this hateful, treacherous world
I could always depend on you to be practical, and sensible
If you told me something, I knew it to be true

And I trusted you, implicitly

*****
I'm so sorry I've let you down.

*****
You told me two nights ago that I would hear from you; and so here I am, waiting for you.

You said, once : These things seem more important than they are at the time, but they aren't really important at all...

I now know the other half of that thought : there are some things, and people that are truly irreplaceable. Some things that transcend selfishness and betrayal and lack of faith and stark, self servitude.

I was always a little (lot) slower than You.

If I could make a single change in my life, it wouldn't be to go back to a very confused, yellow-hued night Sydneyside when a remarkable girl was asking an unremarkable guy what he wanted, now that the ball was in his court...

...but to go back to a chilly English evening when a boy was standing somewhere on the Serpentine watching a girl as she fed some oversized geese bread from her bare hands, instead of throwing it out onto the water like any sane person would do, and at that very, very instant when the light of the setting sun backlit her and the curiously gentle geese, and the boy's heart and breath stopped yet again, and he was filled with a bitter, angry desperation at the thought of a cycle repeating ad-nauseum, and a normal life always eluding him... I would tell him :

These things don't matter. Be still.
A normal life is just a normal life, and you will learn that without Her presence, and counsel, it is a grey world filled with betrayal, lies and heartache.

Look at Her, right here before you; one of the best people you've ever known, and will ever know, in absentia.

Always faithful friends - is that so bad? You will know too late : an honour, and a privilege.

I've been into the future, and learnt the value of things.
Some people are irreplaceable, and you know it.

True friends don't do this kind of things to each other...
Don't be selfish - be still.
Stay true to that silent vow you made - to be there for her, regardless of what it takes out of you.

Because you will never find anyone else, worth it.... Never anyone else who will not try to take advantage of you.

And I would tell her, please, please don't listen to this moron, whatever he says to you. He isn't trying to manipulate you, bizarre as this may seem. The poor deluded creature means every word he says. And he is filled with a strange pride and bull headed stubborn-ness... and he will squander every undeserved chance you give him to undo his own stupid mistake, but if you could see into his stupid head... you'd find it surprisingly empty of malice. Or anything, aside from fear, for that matter.

*****
Dear Karin,
if I don't ever hear from You, I know there will have been extenuating circumstances. And I know that you will have had your reasons, and that they will be Good. And whatever they may be, I respect them.

But I would like to hear from You again, and I mean it literally. Too.

So here I am, waiting for you.