Resounding Disquiet

In my line of work we have attendants who "fly shotgun" with us, so to speak. It's easy to take them for granted when they're competent.

Today I'm squirming in my seat, and struggling to keep the darker part of my soul from exploding to the surface.

Growl.
And please, please stop trying to make smalltalk with me. Your pressure of speech and broken Singlish are just too much for me to handle right now. There's a reason I'm not talking back to you. It's to stop the Devil from erupting out my mouth and consuming you in flames.

******
It's always gratifying to read /hear someone else's rants about your own pet peeves. It reminds us that we're not alone.

Reading Dida's "Peeved" dated wed aug 27 2008 (ordinarily I would hyperlink "this" to a permalink, but this woman seems to go out of her way to inconvenience people who want to reference her) makes me smile a little sadly at all the times I've railed against all things Singlish, and the systematic way in which our glory boys are destroying English through their misguided Speak Good English campaigns (IT'S SPEAK ENGLISH WELL NOT SPEAK GOOD ENGLISH FOR GODS SAKES) and it brings back memories of angry readers unleashing furious barrages of poorly worded retorts upon hapless little me. (how come girl only, post naked picture of back dont get these comments ah?)

It feels like I've spent the last three years here ranting about... everything, to the point that I'm running out of ire and fire. The death of English (Widening the goalposts will never, ever improve the standard of play), kids with dead eyes, "you can't change the system", "it's like that because it's always been like that", "you're romanticising the rest of the world", Overwork culture, a culture of conformism, the "me" generation who thinks they're being unique by being cool... and just turning themselves into a sadder stereotype, a kiasu culture of "face" and hypocrisy... the list goes on, and on, and on. (anyone remember the time I wrote about homogenous HDB blocks marring the skyline? Oh, the fallout. I've had second thoughts since then, watching the boys in white "upgrade" Bata shoeboxes into avant-garde monstrosities.)

This country is changing me; when I read her my first instinct was to giggle, and my second was to sympathise with the sheep - you can't blame them for it, they're born into chinese families, english isn't their first language, they don't think like you, they grew up in a different world, etcetcetc.

And then the cathartic moment of shock and realisation - this country is changing me. For the worse. (worst? No, worse!)

I'm backsliding. My guns are so greasy I can't hold on to them, much less keep my aim steady. My thoughts are losing their focus.

She's right - if you want to improve your English, then don't whinge about arrogant ang-moh-philes picking on you, and don't for God's sakes defend your fucked up English as something good, because "people tell me I write well", or "I have 4000 readers a day so I must be right and you are wrong". (heh. I dread the inevitable fallout that's going to follow this one. Before anyone takes it upon her.. or himself to blast me out of the water for this, consider first that you're exposing your own insecurities about yourself by replying to me, and leave me in peace, please, please. Please.)

And I can't change the system - but I know now that it doesn't deserve to be changed.
And I know that things ARE different out there, because I WAS THERE. And I remember everything. Including who I used to be.

Soon now, someday soon...