And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
*****
So hungry... forage for food...
... deja vu.
*****
For all the justifications
all the aspirations
for all the desires to be different
you walk the walk or talk the talk
I know the truth now
I wouldn't have settled.
I would have dreamt, and perhaps hoped
but at the core of this soul
We had that in common, You and I
We have that in common, YOu and I
call it what you may, commitment phobia...
... or a need to run.
You intimidate me.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Moment
Her hands on his face, her eyes on his.
"You're interesting..."
"so are you"
*****
The phone rings.
"Do you need to get that?"
"No, it's a common phone for the whole house.'
"One ring to rule them all!"
Laugh
"You're interesting..."
"so are you"
*****
The phone rings.
"Do you need to get that?"
"No, it's a common phone for the whole house.'
"One ring to rule them all!"
Laugh
Squits
Thanks to some Bad Sushi, re-minisce is experiencing the mixed blessing of a restful day at home alternating between bed, toilet, piano, toilet and bed.
No prizes for guessing the nature of the ailment.
Thus far the Mother has forc... coerc.... encouraged re-minisce to sprawl on the sofa and listen to her playing (why is it everytime i want to play alone she appears...) all sorts of beautiful classical refrains.
I had the remarkable experience recently of conducting a matching scheme for my mummy-mismatched socks.
I now have a frightfully large collection of unpairable socks remaining. Perhaps the washing machine is a portal to another dimension...?
No prizes for guessing the nature of the ailment.
Thus far the Mother has forc... coerc.... encouraged re-minisce to sprawl on the sofa and listen to her playing (why is it everytime i want to play alone she appears...) all sorts of beautiful classical refrains.
I had the remarkable experience recently of conducting a matching scheme for my mummy-mismatched socks.
I now have a frightfully large collection of unpairable socks remaining. Perhaps the washing machine is a portal to another dimension...?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
Sliding Scale
D : you were too nice to her, she took your niceness for granted...
I remembered her saying almost exactly the same thing : don't be too nice to me, or i'll take you for granted.
I believed it, for a while too : relationships are a sliding scale of giving and taking, tip the balance too far in one direction and everything begins to unravel.
It was my only source of sanity, of solace during my darkest hours - because I couldn't find any other reason. And I... wanted to bear the cross.
But the idealist in this cynic, who wants to believe that hope springs eternal, wants to think : maybe with a few people it isn't like that; maybe giving just comes naturally to a few, and maybe if two people who give by nature find each other, maybe, just maybe they create... a moment that lasts, and many gifts to remember.
I remembered her saying almost exactly the same thing : don't be too nice to me, or i'll take you for granted.
I believed it, for a while too : relationships are a sliding scale of giving and taking, tip the balance too far in one direction and everything begins to unravel.
It was my only source of sanity, of solace during my darkest hours - because I couldn't find any other reason. And I... wanted to bear the cross.
But the idealist in this cynic, who wants to believe that hope springs eternal, wants to think : maybe with a few people it isn't like that; maybe giving just comes naturally to a few, and maybe if two people who give by nature find each other, maybe, just maybe they create... a moment that lasts, and many gifts to remember.
Rabbit Rider
Every so often the Phoenix decides to exercise her "kitten" (that's a kitten?!?! more like a cheetah...) and leaves the Dragon struggling to catch up saddled on his little rabbit with its stubby little paws......
... it always makes him laugh.
... it always makes him laugh.
Moment
I have many flaws... you're just not seeing them.
... I see them. Everybody is flawed; nobody is perfect.
*****
Uncanny. Words returning through time, echoes from the past.
No mask of perfection, but instead an admission of humanity.
... I see them. Everybody is flawed; nobody is perfect.
*****
Uncanny. Words returning through time, echoes from the past.
No mask of perfection, but instead an admission of humanity.
Infinity Past
I remember this place.
I remember us holding each other close and shivering as the wind buffeted us.
I remember watching in wide-eyed wonder as the sky lightened around us.
I remember feeling that anything was possible, all paths were unwalked, but everything was right, right at that instant as we lay still, and shivered.
I remember this place - it is just a place, now.
*****
I put my soiled hands,
behind my back,
somewhere along the line,
i must have gone off track, with you.
*****
Falling in love is more than a feeling;
it's a decision to make, a sacrifice to take,
an admission of weaknesses,
and vulnerabilities confessed
relinquishing pride
forsaking lies
a time to be true,
a moment past concealing.
Unspoken
You have nice eyes, he said, his hands cupping her temples.
You must get that a lot...
Maybe, she said.
Unspoken : You have nice eyes... even when they're tired.
You must get that a lot...
Maybe, she said.
Unspoken : You have nice eyes... even when they're tired.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Aggressive marketing
(In mandarin)
Where did you get this done? The wizened old man asks holding up a re-shod sole, obvious distaste, bordering on contempt oozing off his voice and visage.
... Chinatown? (timidly) he replies.
uncomfortable pause.
... it's not very well done is it?
You said it, I didn't dare to say it. (literal)
I'll come back to you next time, thank you, thank you.
Where did you get this done? The wizened old man asks holding up a re-shod sole, obvious distaste, bordering on contempt oozing off his voice and visage.
... Chinatown? (timidly) he replies.
uncomfortable pause.
... it's not very well done is it?
You said it, I didn't dare to say it. (literal)
I'll come back to you next time, thank you, thank you.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Gerbil
Cut it short, he said.
Shorter than this? Her eyes widened in incredulity.
It's meant to be a... surprise. It has to fit in this plastic bag.
We can do that, she said with a smile.
Shorter than this? Her eyes widened in incredulity.
It's meant to be a... surprise. It has to fit in this plastic bag.
We can do that, she said with a smile.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Tree Frog
And then as I sat holding her in her car, or perhaps she was holding me, and perhaps it was she breathing into my neck, or perhaps I into hers - presents were fading into pasts with the aging night, and it was late and we were so very tired - I knew.
I recognise the signs.
I know what it means when there always seems to be so much left to say to you and yet find myself so very incapable to expressing it, hear myself voicing mere fragments of the truths and thoughts I'd been meaning to share with you, to want to listen so much more than speak.
I know what it means to find myself gravitating unbidden towards you - not for the sake of it, nor because you asked, with or without words, nor because of intimacies we could potentially share... but simply because I'd like to see you again.
I know what it means to not dare to presume you think the same, even if your actions imply your thoughts.
*****
"Let me know if you'll need dinner tomorrow?"
Laugh.
"You know I do."
I recognise the signs.
I know what it means when there always seems to be so much left to say to you and yet find myself so very incapable to expressing it, hear myself voicing mere fragments of the truths and thoughts I'd been meaning to share with you, to want to listen so much more than speak.
I know what it means to find myself gravitating unbidden towards you - not for the sake of it, nor because you asked, with or without words, nor because of intimacies we could potentially share... but simply because I'd like to see you again.
I know what it means to not dare to presume you think the same, even if your actions imply your thoughts.
*****
"Let me know if you'll need dinner tomorrow?"
Laugh.
"You know I do."
Scrubbed Text
From the blue.
"Can you remove my full name from your blog."
Silence, for a while.
"I don't have to, you know."
"I know."
"But if you want me to I will, because we loved each other once."
"Z, Why did you use my full name?"
"I don't know."
I guess I just always thought of you as your full name, I don't know why. I guess, somehow you were more than just a first-name to me, or perhaps you were just different, in my head.
And yes, of course I understand how important it is to you - now that everything stands on the brink, now that the Rest of your Life is beckoning.
But I don't understand what kind of foundations you can build forever on, if you have to protect him from the truth, from the heart of the matter.
If he loves you, he will accept all your truths, and all your previous untruths; he will teach you truth, and forgive your past.
The truth of the matter is that truth always finds its way to the surface, one way or the other. And discovery of an intentional absence of truth is a harsh, harsh thing.
I wish you well, truly, I do.
*****
I remember hugging your father hard, man to man, in silence, fighting back the bewilderment and pain in my eyes, trying to beat back the deafening cacophony of silence in my head, trying to smile.
Goodbye, uncle.
I remember as I sat alone in the pathetic, dingy little airport hard plastic seat, staring out into the night.
And then the message from your mother :
"In my heart, you are already my son."
*****
You must be a wise hunter, your mother said.
And as I passed her the red box with my last gift out of time to you, whom I knew once, I knew her for a good woman, and I knew she was right.
I must be a wise hunter.
I must hunt prey that are... right for me.
"Can you remove my full name from your blog."
Silence, for a while.
"I don't have to, you know."
"I know."
"But if you want me to I will, because we loved each other once."
"Z, Why did you use my full name?"
"I don't know."
I guess I just always thought of you as your full name, I don't know why. I guess, somehow you were more than just a first-name to me, or perhaps you were just different, in my head.
And yes, of course I understand how important it is to you - now that everything stands on the brink, now that the Rest of your Life is beckoning.
But I don't understand what kind of foundations you can build forever on, if you have to protect him from the truth, from the heart of the matter.
If he loves you, he will accept all your truths, and all your previous untruths; he will teach you truth, and forgive your past.
The truth of the matter is that truth always finds its way to the surface, one way or the other. And discovery of an intentional absence of truth is a harsh, harsh thing.
I wish you well, truly, I do.
*****
I remember hugging your father hard, man to man, in silence, fighting back the bewilderment and pain in my eyes, trying to beat back the deafening cacophony of silence in my head, trying to smile.
Goodbye, uncle.
I remember as I sat alone in the pathetic, dingy little airport hard plastic seat, staring out into the night.
And then the message from your mother :
"In my heart, you are already my son."
*****
You must be a wise hunter, your mother said.
And as I passed her the red box with my last gift out of time to you, whom I knew once, I knew her for a good woman, and I knew she was right.
I must be a wise hunter.
I must hunt prey that are... right for me.
Just a dream
*****
Watching her gazing blankly at the countertop, occasionally glancing up with those oversized eyes into mine.
"And sometimes, you know, it feels like it never happened... all that time together..."
"I know." I know. I know...
"... I just knew that there was no way forwards except marriage..."
Deja vu.
"I knew that I couldn't do it for the rest of my life... the arguments which ended in his not calling me for days... until sometimes I'd cry. Towards the end I found myself pressing the auto-redial button on my phone, and going about the daily chores... checking on the phone now and again to see if it got through... just to make the effort, you know?"
"I know."
"And then the final time, he realised after a while that I wasn't calling back, and then he called me and was angry with me at first, and said I hurt him, and I thought all those times you made me cry... what, was it just to teach me a lesson?"
She looks up with those beautiful, liquid, sad eyes of hers.
"You're right, you couldn't have done that... it's the rest of every day of your life."
"But I miss him, you know?"
"How will you feel if he moves on?"
"Wah I tell you man, I'll cry...... I don't want to wake up one day, and you know, listening to you... Don't want to be like her, I don't want it to be too late, you know?"
"It won't be; it's totally different... I think you deserve someone who's better for you, someone who won't control your whereabouts, who won't expect you to stay home all the time doing housework, someone who'll give you space and make you happy."
"I want to be... me."
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Equality
Equality to my mind has always been nothing more complicated, nor less simple than just two people.
Two people, sans the bells and whistles of the attendant circus of the rest of the world.
Two people who understand each other, who laugh together, who dream together, who walk, just walk together. Who are decent to each other, and good for each other. Who respect each other, yet make each other laugh. Who forgive, and are forgiven for their trespasses. Who may not think in perfect tandem, but are able to think together. Who share and communicate the truth, and are stronger for it together.
It's never had anything to do with power careers, with family status, with wealth or poverty, or even with perfect compatibility.
Perhaps in my youth I was extremely hung up on a more superficial equality, of thoughts, of minds, of humours, of wits, of communication.
It was because of Her, because we were similar - and I pegged equality as precisely that. Similarity; near clairvoyance, common language, common turns of phrase to the extent that thoughts need not be completed, that sentences could be read before they were spoken.
As I aged so too did my convictions - perhaps this is the vaunted maturity of years - and my convictions of steel, my black and whites melted into something... wiser.
And so it is that everytime I fall in love with someone - which happens rarely - I burn for equality, and it starts that way - it always feels like an equal. Because if it didn't, I know from experience now when to pull out and escape - Self preservation, and preservation of others.
My friends sometimes chide me after the fact for perceived "inequalities" or incompatibilities, but that's not the way it works at all.
The truth is, while I'm in it with someone else, equality is only about her and I. And only for her and I. Everyone else, family, friends, acquaintences.... well their opinions are important at some level of course, and it's important to hear them out. But really they really don't matter.
Equality only breaks down when either party in the relationship perceives it. Or when they prove it.
*****
"You two look good together."
A remark, from the blue.
Two people, sans the bells and whistles of the attendant circus of the rest of the world.
Two people who understand each other, who laugh together, who dream together, who walk, just walk together. Who are decent to each other, and good for each other. Who respect each other, yet make each other laugh. Who forgive, and are forgiven for their trespasses. Who may not think in perfect tandem, but are able to think together. Who share and communicate the truth, and are stronger for it together.
It's never had anything to do with power careers, with family status, with wealth or poverty, or even with perfect compatibility.
Perhaps in my youth I was extremely hung up on a more superficial equality, of thoughts, of minds, of humours, of wits, of communication.
It was because of Her, because we were similar - and I pegged equality as precisely that. Similarity; near clairvoyance, common language, common turns of phrase to the extent that thoughts need not be completed, that sentences could be read before they were spoken.
As I aged so too did my convictions - perhaps this is the vaunted maturity of years - and my convictions of steel, my black and whites melted into something... wiser.
And so it is that everytime I fall in love with someone - which happens rarely - I burn for equality, and it starts that way - it always feels like an equal. Because if it didn't, I know from experience now when to pull out and escape - Self preservation, and preservation of others.
My friends sometimes chide me after the fact for perceived "inequalities" or incompatibilities, but that's not the way it works at all.
The truth is, while I'm in it with someone else, equality is only about her and I. And only for her and I. Everyone else, family, friends, acquaintences.... well their opinions are important at some level of course, and it's important to hear them out. But really they really don't matter.
Equality only breaks down when either party in the relationship perceives it. Or when they prove it.
*****
"You two look good together."
A remark, from the blue.
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